Here’s the tough thing about blogging: You have to write! I am a pretty introverted person. Not that I don’t like people and not that I don’t like to socialize. I just keep things to myself. I am constantly thinking and “writing” things in my head. I preview conversations in my head: “What if I say this? What will the response me? Is the conversation going to be worthwhile.” Sometimes I forget then to actually have the conversation and other times I don’t remember whether I actually had the conversation or not. Crazy? I don’t know.
I have been doing the same thing with 40phor. I have tons of ideas and thoughts. I have written thousand word essays in my head a thousand times but when it is time to sit and write I go completely blank. I don’t know if I am afraid to write my thoughts or if subconsciously I don’t think people care what I have to say. Of course there is a third option: I don’t care if people care so why bother.
This summer I took a personality inventory as a way to assess my leadership skills and look for areas to improve. My boss thought it would be a good idea and I really enjoyed the process. One of the areas that came to light was that I had a low regard for people. This would come as a surprise to people who know me as it did to me. If you know me you know I care very much about the plight of others, I care very much for my family and I care very much about the people I work for and with.
Looking into it more deeply I discovered that it meant I had a low regard for what others thought of ME! In some ways I guess that’s true. I tend to make decisions based on research and not so much on opinion or what others will think. If I don’t know something I want to learn about it. If you ask me a question that I can’t answer you can guarantee that I will be on Google any minute. I love to know stuff. On the other hand I really do value the appreciation of others. I get all excited when someone comments on this or my other blog. I tend to not show a lot of emotion but I feel a lot of emotion.
What does that have to do with writing? Well, nothing I guess. I just have to get over this internal dichotomy. I want you to like what I do but I don’t really care if you do. That doesn’t sound right: I want you to read what I write, I want your feedback on what I write, but I really just gotta write, man!